(1979)
Director: Lawrence D. Foldes
Writers: Linwood Chase, Lawrence D. Foldes
WARNING: This review will contain spoilers. There's just no way I can talk about this movie without mentioning some of the crazy shit that happens towards the end. But honestly, if you're upset about spoilers for a movie that came out thirty-five years ago you've got bigger fish to fry.
Some films are on the video nasties list because they are gory, disturbing, and/or shocking. I'll give Don't Go Near The Park gory even though it's only sparingly so, but disturbing and shocking are not words I would use to describe it. The words confusing and disjointed however are definitely words that come to mind. Here's a fun drinking game: Try to describe the plot of Don't Go Near The Park to someone and take a shot every time they say "Wait, what?". You will die.
When I heard the title Don't Go Near The Park, my first thought was that it would be a slasher movie, but the film immediately threw me for a loop with a sprawling text introduction involving early man, cannibalistic tribes, and the quest for eternal youth. Alright. So, a cannibal film? A vampire film? Could go either way, but I'm prepared. Cut to booming synthesizer music and stills of outer space. Okay... I have no idea what I'm in for. The movie starts some 12,000 years ago where two brother and sister members of a primitive tribe are brought before the tribe leader and accused of killing and eating the tribe leader's son. She curses them to live eternally, but age ten years for every year they live unless they feed upon other people and steal their youth to make themselves young again. She then presents them with an out. In 12,000 years, when the stars line up just right, they can remove the curse by sacrificing a virgin from their lineage. Oh don't worry, it gets much more convoluted than this.
Cut to "16 Years Ago". And what have these two crazy kids been up to for the last 11,984 years? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing apparently, as the scene begins with the brother casually slaughtering a random stranger in a park and eating her internal organs when the sister approaches him and basically tells him to get his shit together and make some babies so they can remove their curse. And then we get the opening credits. That's right, everything that I just described all takes place before we even get the title of the movie.
The next 20 minutes or so involve the brother seducing, marrying, and impregnating a young lady (the lovely Miss Linnea Quigley in one of her first roles) who he then begins to ignore in favor of making sure that his daughter, Bondi, grows up well. Finally tensions in the family come to a head, the brother character leaves his family, and his daughter runs away. On what I can only assume is her first day encountering actual human beings, she agrees to be taken "anywhere" by two skeevy-looking dudes in a beat-up panel van lined with shag carpeting. If you were not quite sure where this was heading, your suspicions might be confirmed when the least sleazy-looking member of the group asks her if she wants to "take a walk on the wild side" and then knowingly guffaws. Luckily, she remains a virgin thanks to the spooky magic powers of an amulet given to her by her father which causes the van to speed up uncontrollably, careen off of a ten-foot-high bridge, and explode spectacularly. But don't worry about our heroine, she's apparently been transported at least 30 feet away at the last second by previously mentioned spooky magic powers. She also happens to be right by the park in the earlier scene which the locals tend to stay away from because they think it's cursed. The sister character now resides there along with several runaways. The next half hour of the movie pretty much consists of these runaway kids trying to figure out what's going on. Eventually, Bondi's father shows up in full caveman garb to start the sacrifice.
Then THIS happens...
This guy is SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES! There's no setup for this. The brother and sister suddenly are able to shoot lasers out of their eyes. Let that soak in for a minute.
Nothing after that got through to me. After lasers starting shooting out of eyes, the movie was over for me. The cave catches fire, the runaways are rescued, and the brother and sister supposedly die in the fire. The movie poster gives away the obligatory twist ending that the daughter is now a cannibal vampire. None of that really mattered though. Lasers... Why lasers?... Why?...
So why was this off the wall little movie placed on the video nasties list? My guess is that it was simply this cover...
Despite the fact that it left me thoroughly confused, I would say that Don't Go Near The Park could be a fun movie to watch if you're drinking or just hanging out with people who have a taste for dumb movies. Although it's competently shot, there's enough awkward dialogue and bizarre plot twists to keep one entertained. But if you're looking for a quality film, don't go near Don't Go Near The Park.
It gets 6 1/2 out of 12 beers.
