On The 25th Day Of Christmas... Santa Claws

(1996)
Director: John Russo
Writer: John Russo

Santa Claws begins with young Wayne waking up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to find his widowed mother having sex with his uncle. So he shoots them both dead. Years later, he is the creepy neighbor of scream queen actress Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon), who he's obsessed with. Struggling with raising children and her crumbling marriage, Raven turns to Wayne with her problems. He takes this as a sign to murder people he feels have wronged her. The Santa suit is more of an afterthought if anything.

Oh how far John Russo has fallen... The co-writer of one of the greatest and most influential horror films of all time, Night Of The Living Dead, brings us 83 minutes of barely competent shots, boring dialogue, and an entirely forgettable killer that has only a vague motive. Santa Claws actually reminded me a lot of Ed Wood's Orgy Of The Dead in that it's about 20 minutes worth of plot padded out to movie length with unending stripteases. The main difference is that Orgy Of The Dead's plot was more interesting, featured better actors, and it's stripteases were more arousing. The only saving grace of Santa Claws is Debbie Rochon who is not only lovely, but actually ends up giving a somewhat engaging performance. A miracle really, considering the material that she's given to work with. Santa Claws is pretty much garbage. I don't really want to think about how much alcohol would be needed to make it fun. 1 1/2 out of 6 beers.

And with that, Bastard Of Cinema's 25 Days Of Christmas comes to an end. Although it kind of came down to the wire with me being able to get these done, especially in the midst of getting a promotion at work and being forced to be there six days a week during the holiday season, I actually did have a lot of fun. I got to revisit some old classics I hadn't seen in years and discover a few new ones along the way. Some were terrible and a bit difficult to sit through, but some of those also oddly produced some of the most fun reviews to write. Believe it or not, there are actually enough Christmas horror movies out there for me to be able to do this again next year. Although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel with that Caesar & Otto movie... I don't know, we'll see. Either way, after 75 movies in October and 25 more in December, I feel like I need a bit of a break so things will probably slow down a little here. But don't worry, there will be more surprises on the horizon! Until then, relax, have a beer, and enjoy some cheese.

On The 24th Day Of Christmas... Tales From The Crypt

(1972)
Director: Freddie Francis
Writers: Johnny Craig, Al Feldstein, William M. Gaines, Milton Subotsky

When five strangers become lost whilst touring an historical crypt, they find themselves trapped in the presence of "The Cryptkeeper". This menacing figure holds them all captive with lurid tales of how they may have already met their doom.

Produced by Amicus, the spiritual successor of Hammer studios, Tales From The Crypt weaves together several stories based on classic E.C. comics into an anthology film. And quite a good one at that. While not necessarily a Christmas film, I'm including it because of the first tale, entitled "...And All Through The House". In this story (which was also adapted as the classic second episode of the HBO series) a wife murders her husband on Christmas Eve for the insurance money. While attempting to clean up the evidence, she hears a news report of an escaped homicidal mental patient in the area that may be dressed in a Santa suit. When a strange man in a Santa outfit approaches her house, she's about to call the police when she realizes that she can't do so without exposing her own crime. The whole movie is pretty great, but that segment is especially fun to view during the holidays and would be worth adding Tales From The Crypt to your Christmastime viewing. Especially late at night on Christmas Eve. Tales From The Crypt gets a classy 4 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 23rd Day Of Christmas... Bloody Christmas

(2012)
Director: Michael Shershenovich
Writer: Michael Shershenovich

Bloody Christmas follows washed-up 80's action star Rich Tague who has fallen on hard times and, after wrapping a sub-par made-for-TV Christmas movie, finds he's been evicted from his home. Meanwhile, a psychotic priest asks God to show him the way to punish those who have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas.

Bloody Christmas throws everything at you right up front. It can be a little confusing and it takes a while for the pieces to come together, but once they do it actually turns out to be a pretty decent and original little movie. While it's definitely not a masterpiece by any means, Bloody Christmas manages to be competent and kind of impressive for the director's first film. I would recommend Bloody Christmas to anyone looking for something a little different from their Christmas horror films, as long as they can be patient with a filmmaker who is obviously still fine-tuning his craft. 3 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 22nd Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming

(2013)
Director: James Plumb
Writers: James Plumb, Andrew Jones

Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming is a remake of the 1972 film Silent Night, Bloody Night. I don't really have a lot to say about this one. The plot is more or less the same as the original which I just covered yesterday. The major difference between the two is that Homecoming is just plain awful. The original Silent Night, Bloody Night fell into public domain years ago which is why the film has so many poor DVD releases. This also opened the door for just about anyone to essentially steal the plot without giving credit to the original writers and create their own version of the film. And that's exactly what Homecoming does. The audio mixing is terrible. The acting is terrible. And the film commits one of the greatest cinema-sins any movie that wants to be taken seriously can commit; it uses basic wipe transitions. Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming is an amateurish piece of trash that should only be viewed as a curiosity or a means of torture. 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 21st Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Bloody Night

(1972)
Director: Theodore Gershuny
Writers: Theodore Gershuny, Jeffrey Konvitz, Ira Teller

Silent Night, Bloody Night (a.k.a. Night Of The Dark Full Moon, Death House) begins with the Mayor's daughter (genre fave Mary Woronov) surveying the site of the old Butler place which is being demolished. She then tells us of how it was built by William Butler who returned to the house years later on Christmas Eve only to perish in flames. Now twenty years later, Jeffrey Butler, the inheritor of the Butler estate, is looking to sell the old house. Unfortunately, an escaped mental patient has made it his home and the dark secrets of the Butler family and the town itself are about to be revealed.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is a very slow and deliberately-paced film which may turn off many viewers. However, if you're patient, it will reward you with an intriguing story and plenty of creepy atmosphere. Silent Night, Bloody Night could also be considered one of the first slashers, predating Black Christmas even though they were released the same year. Although many of the scenes in Silent Night, Bloody Night are dark and indecipherable, there are just as many that are artfully crafted, especially the flashback scenes in the latter half of the film. If it hasn't been already, Silent Night, Bloody Night could certainly benefit from a restoration. It took me many years to grow to appreciate this film, but I would consider it necessary for any fans of holiday horror. 4 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 20th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night

(2012)
Director: Steven C. Miller
Writer: Jayson Rothwell

Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jamie King) was supposed to have Christmas Eve off, but when one of her fellow deputies goes missing, she is called in by Sheriff Cooper (Malcolm McDowell). As it turns out, the deputy that went missing was actually the victim of a killer Santa Claus with a flamethrower that is stalking the small community. Aubrey sets out to make her retired policeman father proud by finding this killer Santa and bringing him in.

Silent Night is not so much a remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night as it is a re-imagining. While the story is completely different from the original, there are enough nods to the original series to keep fans happy. I feel like Silent Night works great because it does go off in a completely unique direction from the original. In this way, it definitely feels like it's own movie. The actors also do a great job of holding the film together, especially McDowell, hamming it up as the sheriff. The addition of a flamethrower to Santa's arsenal is a nice touch as well. Silent Night is not the best Christmas horror film of the month, but it's far from being the worst. 4 out of 6 beers.

On The 19th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

(1991)
Director: Martin Kitrosser
Writers: Martin Kitrosser, Brian Yuzna

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 begins with a young boy, Derek, witnessing the death of his father at the hands of a booby-trapped toy. Traumatized by the event, Derek remains mute for the next two weeks. His mother, worried about her son, takes Derek to a local toy store owned by kindly old man Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney) and his odd teenage son Pino. They are also being stalked by a strange man in a leather jacket named Noah as mysterious toy presents begin killing children around the neighborhood. This is where we'll start getting into spoiler territory because I can't really talk about this movie without talking about the ridiculous twist to it. So if you don't want to have the movie spoiled for you, go find it and come back when you're done watching it. Okay? Okay. So as it turns out, Noah is Derek's father who has been tracking down Mr. Petto involving a string of murders. It seems that Mr. Petto was so distraught by the death of his wife and son that he built a robot son, Pino. Unfortunately, Pino has become obsessed with Derek's mother and wants to kill Derek and become her son.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5, much like part 4, has nothing to do with the rest of the series. Although it is connected to part 4 through cameos from Clint Howard, Neith Hunter, and Conan Yuzna's characters from that movie. At least SNDN 5 actually has more to do with Christmas than part 4, and it's delightfully strange. I actually enjoy part 5 a lot and when I normally watch the Silent Night, Deadly Night series, I usually skip over parts 3 & 4 and go straight to 5. You haven't truly experienced Christmas until you see Mickey Rooney remove his face and a genital-less robot boy dry-humping a woman while screaming "I love you, mommy!". Silent Night, Deadly Night gets 4 out of 6 beers.

On The 18th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

(1990)
Director: Brian Yuzna
Writers: Richard N. Gladstein, Arthur Gorson, Woody Keith, S.J. Smith, Brian Yuzna

Kim works in classifieds at an L.A. newspaper and is desperately trying to climb the ladder to investigative journalist. When a local woman apparently spontaneously combusts and falls off a building, Kim sees her chance to prove herself. While looking into the mysterious death, she meets a group of women who reinforce her ideas of female empowerment. As she becomes more involved in her investigation, strange things begin to happen involving bugs, spaghetti, and Clint Howard. As it turns out, the group of women are a coven of witches or something and they want Kim to be their newest member.

Brian Yuzna always makes interesting movies, and Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is no exception even if it's not especially good. Although stylish and full of bizarre practical effects, it takes way too long to go absolutely nowhere. I've seen SNDN 4 a number of times and I still couldn't tell you exactly what a lot of it means. Although, the underlying theme that men are unfairly suppressing women couldn't be more blatant. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 also has virtually nothing to do with Christmas. Sure it takes place during Christmas, but if you weren't paying close attention you would never know. While probably necessary, it also takes the series in a completely different direction with the only connection to any of the previous movies being the footage from SNDN 3 that Clint Howard is watching on TV. I suppose that Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is worth watching for the gross special effects involving cockroaches and larvae, but not much else. 2 out of 6 beers.

On The 17th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

(1989)
Director: Monte Hellman
Writers: Rex Weiner, Arthur Gorson, Monte Hellman

When Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 begins, Ricky from the previous film (played by Bill Moseley) has been in a comatose state for six years. As part of a strange scientific experiment, Dr. Newberry (played by Twin Peaks' Richard Beymer) has convinced a young blind girl named Laura to make psychic contact with Ricky. Troubled by the visions she encounters inside Ricky's head, Laura states that she will not come in for another session and leaves with her brother (Eric DaRe, also from Twin Peaks) to visit her grandmother for Christmas. Along with her brother's girlfriend (Laura Harring from Mulholland Drive in an early role), they are unaware that Ricky has awakened and is now stalking Laura.

Three actors from David Lynch works, kooky psychic powers, and Bill Moseley as the iconic Ricky complete with a glass dome on his head that encases his brain. All this, and Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 still manages to be boring. To be fair, it's not any of the actors' faults. Robert Culp is fantastic (as he usually is) as a cop that clearly doesn't give a shit about anything that happens in this movie. Bill Moseley is great at playing crazy, but is given virtually nothing to do in this movie but sleepwalk around with his brain exposed. The plot of SNDN 3 moves along at a snails pace complete with a soundtrack full of ambient sleep-inducing music. Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 may be a better produced film than part 2, but it's nowhere near as enjoyable. 2 out of 6 beers.

On The 16th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

(1987)
Director: Lee Harry
Writers: Michael Hickey, Paul Caimi, Lee Harry, Joseph H. Earle, Michael Hickey, Paul Caimi, Dennis Patterson, Lawrence Appelbaum

If you've seen the first Silent Night, Deadly Night, then you've already seen the first forty minutes of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. The sequel focuses on Billy's brother Ricky, who is now incarcerated in an institution and recounting the events of the first movie to a psychiatrist through footage edited in from the first film. Once we're done with that, we move on to Ricky's story and things start to get really good. Ricky reveals to the psychiatrist his past with a foster family and how thing began to fall apart once his adopted father passed away. He recounts several murders committed against "naughty" people and seemingly triggered by the color red. Finally, after killing his girlfriend, he goes on a murder spree ending in a failed suicide attempt. After his tale is told, he escapes the institution and sets out to punish the person he blames for everything, Mother Superior.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is the stuff of legend. Originally intended to be a re-edited version of Silent Night, Deadly Night passed off as a sequel with only one or two added scenes, editor Lee Harry convinced his employer to give them a little more to make an actual sequel. Although the budget is often quoted at $250,000, filmmakers claim that the budget was actually far less. Considering the budget, the fact that the film was made on the fly with only one or two takes for each scene, and the fact that it was filmed in 10 days, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is actually quite an accomplishment. It's not a good movie, far from it. But it's adequately put together and it's never dull. Eric Freeman's acting skills, or lack thereof carry the film into so-bad-it's-good territory. According to IMDB, his eyebrows move up and down 130 times throughout the course of the film, and it's hilarious every time. Ricky's ridiculous murder spree, featuring the infamous "Garbage Day!" line, puts me on the floor every time. While not even close to the quality of the first film, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is just as (if not more) entertaining. Alcohol and friends is a must with this one. 5 out of 6 beers.

On The 15th Day Of Christmas... Silent Night, Deadly Night

(1984)
Director: Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Writers: Paul Caimi, Michael Hickey

Silent Night, Deadly Night opens with young Billy Chapman, his parents, and his baby brother Ricky on their way to visit Billy's catatonic grandfather (played to perfection by Will Hare) in an institution. When Billy is left alone with him, Grandpa Chapman suddenly awakens and giddily tells Billy to beware of Santa Claus because he only brings presents to good boys and girls but severely punishes all the naughty ones. Before slipping back into his catatonic state, Grandpa Chapman leaves Billy with one warning, "You see Santa Claus tonight, you better run boy! You better run for your life!". Later that night, on the way back home, Billy's parents stop to help a man dressed as Santa Claus that appears to have car trouble. Already apprehensive about the situation, Billy flees once the man reveals himself as a carjacker and shoots Billy's father in the head. From a ditch, Billy witnesses the rape and murder of his mother while the nefarious man dressed as Santa taunts him. The cries of baby Ricky in the car slowly fade into a Christmas carol and we cut to three years later at the St. Mary's Home For Orphaned Children. A now 8-year old Billy is asked to present his Christmas-themed drawing for the class, but when the he gives the teacher a picture of a decapitated reindeer and Santa riddled with knives he is sent to Mother Superior's office. Although Sister Margaret believes that Billy is simply haunted by his repressed memories of the vicious attack on his family, Mother Superior dismisses this theory and punishes Billy by sending him to his room. We play witness to series of unfortunate events at St. Mary's which include Billy being spanked for leaving his room, being tied to his bed after having a nightmare, and cowering in a corner begging not to be punished after clocking a Santa whose lap he was forced to sit on. And again we jump forward in time, as an 18-year old Billy is hired as a stock boy at a local toy store. If this all seems like way too much setup for a movie about a killer dressed as Santa, it pays off in spades when the owner of the toy store puts up a Christmas banner with  a picture of Santa on it and we see the years of psychological torment reflected in Billy's pained expression. Things get worse when the toy store's resident Santa calls out on Christmas Eve and Billy is asked to fill in for him. Once the store closes, everyone has a few drinks and Billy slowly begins to lose his grip on sanity. Believing now that he is Santa Claus, he sets out to do Santa's work and punish those who have been naughty.

I LOVE Silent Night, Deadly Night! It's about as sleazy as a horror movie can get, but at the same time it is expertly crafted that way. By opening the film with such an elaborate back story, we're able to identify with Billy so much more when he loses it and begins to kill those whom he deems "NAUGHTY!". Billy becomes both the protagonist and the antagonist of the film, he's both the killer and the victim. Billy is the iconic bad guy that we love to secretly root for. The soundtrack is also pretty amazing and it's a damn shame that it's never been officially released. While most Christmas horror movies would be content to stick to traditional copyright-free holiday music, Silent Night, Deadly Night is filled with original pieces like Santa's Watching, Christmas Fever, and my personal favorite The Warm Side Of The Door that sound like traditional holiday favorites but have a bit of a creepy undertone to them. Silent Night, Deadly Night also contains some of the best kills in horror movie history, not the least of which involves scream queen Linnea Quigley (in an early role) and a mounted deer head.

Silent Night, Deadly Night opened the same day as A Nightmare On Elm Street and actually beat out the Wes Craven classic at the box office on opening weekend. However by the second week, moral police and unappreciative critics managed to get the film pulled from theaters. Though sometimes considered a "video nasty" in England, it technically isn't since it was never actually submitted for certification by the British Board of Film Censors. Perhaps Silent Night, Deadly Night was the center of such controversy because it managed to do what no other Christmas-themed horror film before it had been able to do; It seamlessly combines the thrill of a good slasher with the joy of the holiday season. Along with Black Christmas, Silent Night, Deadly Night has become a holiday tradition for me. Every year I get some eggnog (alcoholic, of course), curl up in front of the TV, and enjoy my two favorite holiday films. Sometimes, if I'm adventurous, I'll even throw on Silent Night, Deadly Night Part II... Silent Night, Deadly Night gets a joyous 5 out of 6 beers.

On The 14th Day Of Christmas... One Hell Of A Christmas

(2002)
Director: Shaky Gonzalez
Writer: Shaky Gonzalez

Carlitos has just been released from prison and plans on setting a good example for his son by staying away from the lifestyle that put him there in the first place. But when his old buddy Mike shows up with a mysterious claw that grants the user immense power, he slowly begins to slide back into a world of sex, drugs, and murder.

One Hell Of A Christmas suffers from a slow start which is sure to turn off many viewers. The actors performances are not strong enough to carry the first half of the film which mostly deals with Carlitos transferring out of prison and his anticipation of reconnecting with his son. The sub-plot of Mike coming into possession of the supernatural claw is only slightly more interesting. Things begin to pick up in the second half however, once Carlitos is alone in his house with the claw. The film takes some interesting directions, but ultimately is never quite as much fun as it should be. One Hell Of A Christmas is worth checking out at least once if you're a fan of holiday-themed horror flicks, but I can't imagine that it would be one worth revisiting annually. 2 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 13th Day Of Christmas... The Thirteenth Day Of Christmas

(1985)
Director: Patrick Lau
Writer: Gordon Honeycombe

Richard, a troubled young man who has spent some time under psychiatric care, is now living at home with his parents and sister. He has conversations with a voice in his head that has convinced him that he is at the center of a vast conspiracy and that his father has been replaced by an agent of the conspirators. After an outburst at his parents' game of bridge with another couple, he is urged on by the voice in his head to finally confront his "father".

Although released on VHS as a film, The Thirteenth Day Of Christmas is actually the final episode of a British program called "Time For Murder". The budgetary constraints of an 80's British television show are obvious in the video quality, the lack of any score, and the fact that the entirety of the movie takes place within the house. Though I will admit, that ultra-low budget made-for-TV atmosphere does give The Thirteenth Day Of Christmas a certain eerie charm. The performances are fine and although there is very little action, it doesn't really hinder the movie as it runs less than an hour anyway. The pay-off at the end of the episode is pretty disappointing however, and had it been a more interesting twist I could probably recommend this more. As it stands, I would say The Thirteenth Day Of Christmas is worth checking out if you've got an hour to spare and want to watch something light. 3 out of 6 beers.

On The 12th Day Of Christmas... Satan Claus

(1996)
Director: Massimiliano Cerchi
Writer: Simonetta Mostarda

It's Christmastime in New York and a psycho dressed as Santa Claus is brutally slaughtering his victims and using their body parts to decorate his Christmas tree. The police are baffled and can't seem to catch the killer even as he calls them on the phone to taunt them. An old voodoo priestess who is friends with a actor and his police officer girlfriend believes that some dark magic is at work and that they are all in danger.

Satan Claus has a catchy title and a premise that has potential, but that's all it has. The acting is awful, the audio mixing is terrible, and the lighting guy must have quit since almost every scene is so dark that it's difficult to even make out what's going on. The inept police officers barely advance the plot at all, and the ending is stupid and confusing. As far as Christmas slashers go, this one is pretty forgettable. I'm starting to forget it already. 1 out of 6 beers.

On The 11th Day Of Christmas... Black X-Mas

(2006)
Director: Glen Morgan
Writer: Glen Morgan

A group of sorority sisters are terrorized during Christmas break by an escaped mental patient named Billy that used to live in their house.

Okay, so as a general rule I don't usually expect remakes to be good. There are exceptions and I have been surprised by quite a few. And let's not forget that some modern horror classics like The Thing (1982), Little Shop Of Horrors (1986), The Fly (1986), and Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1978) were all remakes. When a remake is bad, it's usually harmlessly bad. Just because the remake of Prom Night or The Fog was terrible, it takes nothing away from the original because the original is still there and is still entertaining. The Black Christmas remake (which I will henceforth refer to as Black X-Mas) is one of the few examples of a remake whose very existence taints the original film. The thing that made the original Black Christmas great is the fact that it left questions unanswered and it was up to the viewer to fill in the blanks for themselves. Black X-Mas immediately explains everything that was left up for interpretation in the original. Terrified that the audience will become enraged at the possibility of having to use their brains, Black X-Mas meticulously spells everything out for the viewer and leaves no room for interpretation. This can be harmful because if someone sees the remake before the original, their mind is automatically going to jump to the insanely dumb explanations provided by the remake when presented with questions. Black X-Mas, like many of it's mid-2000's horror remake peers, also contains some of the most two-dimensional characters put to screen. While almost every character in the first film has a unique personality that shines through regardless of the quality or quantity of screen-time they are given, the characters in Black X-Mas seem mostly devoid of any personality whatsoever. And the actors cannot be held solely responsible for that. It's obvious that Black X-Mas was made by people that not only didn't understand what made the original a great film, but who didn't like or hadn't even seen the original.

But should we be comparing Black X-Mas or any other remake to the original? Shouldn't we judge the film on it's own merit without preconceived notions of how it should or shouldn't be? Well, no. When a film uses an already established franchise as a basis, it's practically begging to be compared to it. The entire foundation of a remake is saying "Hey, remember this thing? Well here's a shiny new version of it that's better!" You're meant to be comparing the two because the new one is supposed to be superior. If it was never intended to be an improvement in some way, what would be the point in making it in the first place? Let's say, for example, that I remade Citizen Kane and in my version I revealed that "rosebud" was in actuality R.O.S.E.B.U.D., a crime-fighting robot from the future. While it would certainly be an amazing record-setting piece of cinema history, I couldn't possibly use the argument that my film stands on it's own and shouldn't be compared to the original. If that were so, I would have just made my own film about a crime-fighting robot from the future and called it something entirely different. Black X-Mas could easily have been just another dumb slasher about a killer with yellow skin and a flimsy back story, but instead it decided to ride on the tails of an already established horror film that it could never hope to live up to. If I could erase one film from history, it would be Black X-Mas. Not because it's the worst film I've ever seen, but because it's the most insulting; both to the film it's leeching off of and to the fans of that film as well. Your best bet would be to just stay away from Black X-Mas all together. 1 out of 6 beers.

On The 10th Day Of Christmas... Black Christmas

(1974)
Director: Bob Clark
Writer: Roy Moore

It's Christmas break at sorority house Pi Kappa Sigma and some of the girls have plans to go skiing, but when one of the sisters goes missing the girls begin to suspect that something awful may have happened.

I know that's a pretty vague description, but I really don't want to spoil this movie for anyone that hasn't seen it. Black Christmas is by far my favorite Christmas horror film and possibly my favorite horror film of all time. That's a bold statement and one that I don't make lightly. Every time I watch Black Christmas, once the credits begin rolling I get chills. I feel like I've just played witness to a series of terrible events and paranoia sets in. This is the sensation that a successfully frightening horror film should give you. Black Christmas hits all the right notes by giving the viewer just enough information to follow the plot and leaving the rest for the terrifying depths of the spectator's mind to imagine. It's also good to keep in mind that this was more or less the first slasher film. Black Christmas predates Halloween by four years and since directors Bob Clark and John Carpenter worked together for a short time, it's speculated that Halloween originated as a sequel to Black Christmas. Ironically, nine years later Bob Clark would also give us the family holiday classic A Christmas Story. And thirty years later he would curse us all with Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, but don't let let that dissuade you. The cast of Black Christmas also knocks it out of the park. Olivia Hussey, John Saxon, Margot Kidder, and even SCTV's Andrea Martin and 2001: A Space Odyssey's Keir Dullea all play prominent parts in the film, Kidder's brash, drunken sorority girl being my personal favorite. If you haven't seen Black Christmas, do yourself a favor. Make a little nest in front of the TV, get some hot chocolate, turn out all the lights, and experience the slow-burning terror by yourself. To quote the tagline, "If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... it's on too tight." Black Christmas gets a coveted first and probably only perfect 6 beers.

On The 9th Day Of Christmas... Gremlins

(1984)
Director: Joe Dante
Writer: Chris Columbus

When Billy receives a strange creature called a mogwai as a Christmas present, it comes with three rules. One- Don't expose him to bright light, especially sunlight. Sunlight will kill him. Two- Don't get him wet. And three- No matter how much he begs and pleads, never, ever feed him after midnight. Billy instantly forms a bond with his new pet, which is named Gizmo. After accidentally getting him wet, Billy finds himself with several more mogwais that are not quite as friendly. When they manage to trick Billy into feeding them after midnight all but Gizmo turn into savage little monsters that set out to terrorize the pleasant little town of Kingston Falls. It's up to Billy, his girlfriend Kate (the lovely Pheobe Cates), and Gizmo to stop the gremlins from destroying their town.

Gremlins was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid and it still is. It's a nearly flawless horror-comedy and probably one of the most influential films of the eighties. Eighties mainstays like Judge Reinhold, Pheobe Cates, and Corey Feldman all make appearances in the film. As well as Joe Dante regular Dick Miller as grumpy veteran Mr. Futterman. The practical effects and creature designs are fantastic and still hold up today. What child of the eighties didn't want their own Gizmo? Gremlins stays cohesive despite the fact that it swings wildly between serious and comical moments. Amidst the action-driven plot lie dark moments and genuinely tense scares, only to be followed by moments that still make me laugh out loud. While Gremlins has been such a large part of my developmental years that it's hard for me to fathom that there are people that haven't seen it, it was released thirty years ago and I'm sure that there are some younger people who are completely unfamiliar with it. Gremlins is essential viewing not just for fans of horror movies, but for fans of movies in general. Gremlins receives an enthusiastic 5 1/2 beers.

On The 8th Day Of Christmas... Jack Frost

(1997)
Director: Michael Cooney
Writers: Michael Cooney, Jeremy Paige

Serial killer Jack Frost evaded authorities for years until he was finally caught by Sam Tiler, the sheriff of a sleepy little town called Snowmonton. When his prison transport truck collides with a tanker containing an acidic substance, Jack Frost's body dissolves and becomes one with the snow. Now a seemingly unstoppable maniacal snowman, he sets out to destroy the small town sheriff that caught him.

Jack Frost is stupid. The plot is dumb, most of the acting is atrocious, the effects are sub-par, and the dialogue is goofy and laughable. However most, if not all of these things, were intentional. Jack Frost was clearly intended to be a joke from the very beginning. That can be a risky move. So many movies try incredibly hard to be so bad they're good, but in the process most of them lose the charm that unintentionally bad movies have and will usually end up as a snickering, winking-at-the-camera atrocity (I'm looking at you, Scary Movie franchise). Jack Frost somehow manages to successfully walk that line. Although it's bad and it knows it's bad, the people involved play it straight enough that it manages to retain it's appeal and make you believe that someone actually put care and thought into the final product. The murderous Jack Frost almost instantly adapts to his strange new circumstances and gleefully uses them to suit his psychotic urges while spouting off one-liners that would make Freddy Kruger cringe. Jack Frost is tremendous fun and is a great movie to put on while enjoying some drinks with friends. Also of note is that this movie marks the feature film debut of American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth in one of the most hilariously ridiculous death scenes put to film. Jack Frost gets 3 out of 6 beers. Chilled.

On The 7th Day Of Christmas... Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

(2010)
Director: Jalmari Helander
Writers: Jalmari Helander, Juuso Helander

Deep in the depths of the Korvatunturi Mountains in Finland a team of scientists is excavating a mountain that they believe is the burial mound of the original Santa Claus. Meanwhile in the village below, a group of reindeer herders are trying to make ends meet during the Christmas season. When all of their reindeer turn up slaughtered, they suspect that the research team up on the mountain has something to do with it. When they capture an old man in a trap they assume that he's affiliated with the scientists, but the son of one of the herders believes differently. He believes that the old man is the Santa Claus of legend. And he's not as friendly as we were led to believe.

Rare Exports starts off slow, but as it unfolds it becomes something very interesting and exciting. Although there's some questionable CGI in the latter half of the movie it never takes away from the story. Rare Exports brings a unique twist to the Santa mythos and is a fun time throughout. 4 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 6th Day Of Christmas... Don't Open Till Christmas

(1984)
Director: Edmund Purdom
Writers: Alan Birkinshaw, Derek Ford

When her father is killed by a mysterious Santa-hating madman, Kate begins to suspect that someone close to her could be the serial Santa-slashing psycho.

The plot of Don't Open Till Christmas is threadbare but let's be honest, you're not watching a film about someone killing people dressed up as Santa Claus for it's deep sociopolitical undertones. There are some pretty good kills in Don't Open Till Christmas, but unfortunately when it's trying to advance the plot it gets very boring. The bizarre ending seems to come out of left-field as well. Don't Open Till Christmas is not a good film, but i suppose parts of it could be fun if you're watching with friends. 2 out of 6 beers.

On The 5th Day Of Christmas... Christmas Evil

(1980)
Director: Lewis Jackson
Writer: Lewis Jackson

On Christmas Eve in 1947, young Harry witnesses Santa Claus' visit and is awestruck. Not believing that Santa Claus was actually his father as his brother claims, he sneaks back down only to find his mother being sexually groped by Santa. Traumatized by this, he runs up to the attic and cuts his hand on a broken snowglobe. Thirty-three years later, Harry suppresses his memories and has become obsessed with Christmas. Harry spies on neighborhood children from his Christmas decoration-laden apartment to determine whether or not they've been good and works at a toy factory that he has become disenfranchised with due to their sub-standard quality control. Embarrassed by a series of demeaning events and already on the edge of sanity, Harry finally loses it and begins to believe that he actually is Santa Claus. On Christmas Eve Harry begins his rounds delivering toys to good boys and girls and delivering punishment to those who have been bad.

Christmas Evil is one of the first movies anyone watching holiday themed horror movies should view. The character of Harry, a very lonely middle-aged man who has obviously never been very adept at life, provokes a lot of sympathy for viewers. Even as he slaughters the barely nefarious naughty, there's no brutality in it and one can't help but feel a little sorry for this sad broken man. As Harry slips deeper into insanity, the movie becomes more and more dreamlike and ultimately ends on an ambiguously fanciful note. Although the psychological drama may be taxing for gorehounds looking for the flick-knife thrill of a slasher flick, Christmas Evil is a necessity for anyone that's looking for a good Christmas horror film. 5 out of 6 beers.

On The 4th Day Of Christmas... Saint Nick

(2010)
Director: Dick Maas
Writer: Dick Maas

Saint Nick begins in 1492 and establishes St. Nicholas as a cruel and murderous bishop that demands offerings from from villagers on each full moon. One night on December 5th, the villagers have had enough and set fire to St. Nicholas' ship while he and his crew are aboard. Now, the treacherous Saint Nick and his crew return every time December 5th falls on a full moon to wreak murderous havoc. Goert, a survivor of Saint Nick's attack years earlier and now a police officer, teams up with Frank, a young man falsely accused of a murder St. Nicholas committed, to stop Saint Nick's reign of terror once and for all.

Saint Nick (a.k.a. Sint, or Saint) is a Dutch film that is probably better watched with subtitles. The version I watched was dubbed and provided a lot of comical poor-dubbing moments. Also, those unfamiliar with the lore of this European version of Santa Claus may find themselves a little confused. However aside from the language and cultural barriers, Saint Nick is a very engaging and beautifully shot film. Although the film suffers from a few bad CGI effects, the charred Saint Nicholas on horseback creates quite a terrifying presence. Saint Nick is definitely a film worth checking out for some good, creepy Christmas action. 4 out of 6 beers.

On The 3rd Day Of Christmas... To All A Goodnight

(1980)
Director: David Hess
Writer: Alex Rebar

A group of sorority girls are staying at the Calvin Finishing School for Christmas break and help to sneak in a group of boys to spend it with. Too bad there's a killer dressed as Santa Claus picking them off one by one.

To All A Goodnight is the sole directorial effort from Last House On The Left's David Hess, but unfortunately that's the only interesting thing about it. It's a pretty standard slasher with a predictable reveal and a last-minute twist that seems to have been added in just because someone realized how predictable the reveal was. The VHS print I watched was rather dark and it was sometimes difficult to tell what was going on (this has supposedly been corrected for the new blu-ray transfer). The dialogue is all pretty bland and the performances muddle the line between bad acting and odd character motivations. The actors try, but never really come off as charming as they're supposed to be. I really wish I could say more about To All A Goodnight, but there's not really anything else to say. If you've ever seen a slasher flick, you've pretty much seen all that To All A Goodnight has to offer. It's not terrible, it's not great, it's about as middle-of-the-road as a slasher can get. 3 out of 5 beers.

On The 2nd Day Of Christmas... Elves

(1989)
Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Writer: Jeffrey Mandel

When typical teenager Kirsten accidentally cuts her hand during a joke pagan ritual that she and her friends are having in the woods, she unknowingly awakens an elf (NOT elves as the title implies). The elf is an ancient creature which is crucial in a group of Nazis' plan to breed with her bloodline to create a perfect master race of half-human, half-elf beings. Meanwhile, Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty plays Mike McGavin, a chain-smoking mall Santa who doubles as the most courteous tough-guy detective you've ever seen. When the elf attacks Kirsten and her friends in the mall after hours, Mike is there to fend it off and helps her to unravel the conspiracy of Nazi elf hijinks that surrounds her. To be honest, all you need to know about the movie is this:

If that slack-jawed, rubber puppet running around seems like a fun time to you, then you should definitely check out Elves. Even though the creature effects are terrible, they show it a lot. And it's hilarious every time. Add to the mix some hilarious dialogue like "You've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them." and "Santa said oral." and you've got a recipe for a great bad movie. Elves is not a good movie by any means, but if you're looking to kick back with some eggnog and some friends you can't go wrong. 2 1/2 out of 6 beers.