The Disco Exorcist / Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

(2011)
Director: Richard Griffin
Writers: Tony Nunes, Ted Geoghegan


 The Disco Exorcist is not a magnificent movie that will garner critical praise, it is destined to become a cult movie; Unheard of by most, ravenously worshiped by a select few. The Disco Exorcist is the tale of Rex Romanski, a seventies ladies' man who scorns disco princess Rita Marie in favor of porn actress Amoreena Jones. Unbeknownst to Rex, Rita Marie is a practitioner of Voodoo and the dark arts. When she uses her nefarious resources to curse Amoreena, Rex is forced to fend off evil forces in order to save his soul starlet.

The Disco Exorcist combines all the best elements of post Exorcist rip-offs (of which I am becoming increasingly fond of) and sleazy 70's porn. Not only is it very ambitious and well done, it's also pretty hilarious. Most of the low budget movies that have come out in the wake of Quentin Tarantino & Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse have kept up with the whole "grindhouse" editing bit for a few minutes at most and then reverted to just being a goofy horror or exploitation film. The Disco Exorcist retains it's grindhouse front for the full duration of the film. I'll admit, the whole "scene missing" thing ruins it a bit, but for the most part it does a fantastic job of making the movie feel like a legitimate horror/exploitation film from the 70's. And I won't lie, with a few beers, this movie was fantastic.

The ambitiousness of The Disco Exorcist reminded me of another great film that my friends and I used to frequent in our college days that I felt obligated to follow the viewing with... 

(2001)
Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll

Full disclosure: When I was in art school, I smoked a lot of pot. I know, it's a big surprise. However, during this time I also lived no more than a few steps away from a Tower Records. At a time when the only feasible way to view a movie was through physical media or the theater, this was a very dangerous thing for someone whose horizons were just beginning to expand. One of my friends spotted a VHS copy of Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter and based on the title alone, he purchased it. It became an instant classic. With such a bold title, one would reasonably expect a movie that gets by on shock value alone, but JCVH doesn't rely on this crutch. Instead, it's a cleverly orchestrated and intelligent film. It also doesn't hurt that it throws in the character of superstar luchador El Santo. Let's be honest, the budget on this movie shows, but the things that they pull off with it is incredible. The fight choreography is admirable, the soundtrack is great, and the characters come off as legitimately charismatic even though all the audio is done in post-production.

As a personal side note, I had a few friends throughout my time that flat-out refused to watch Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter because they felt that it was sacreligious. In it's defense, I have to say that JCVH, while being a dumb action movie, remains true to the core ideals of christianity. The "Jesus" in the film kicks many an ass, but still preaches tolerance and acceptance of all. Even those that more radical christians might shun for their outward appearances or personal preferences. As the Jesus in the movie proclaims "Don't follow me, follow my teachings. It's the message that counts.". If you think this is just another dumb movie, You're all up in the Kool-Aid, but you don't even know the flavor.

The Disco Exorcist- 10 out of 12 beers.

 

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter- 10 1/2 out of 12 beers

 

The Ghosting

(1992)
Director: Walt Hefner
Writer: Walt Hefner

The Ghosting begins with a waitress moving into an abandoned church with her husband, a Vietnam veteran, and their two children. The husband buries a drifter that died in his back seat who, unbeknownst to him, is also the ax murderer that slaughtered his own family years before in the church they're now living in. Naturally a series of unexplained ghostly phenomena, or ghostings, begin terrorizing the family.

While The Ghosting does quite a few interesting things visually, the plot seems to be pretty generic and borrows heavily from better movies such as House, The Exorcist, and The Shining. Most of the actors, especially the father, are hilariously awful. The plot takes bizarre turns that don't make much sense, and other seemingly important plot points are immediately forgotten. In one scene, the daughter appears to be violently raped by a ghost. Yet, in the next scene she seems perfectly okay, goes on a date with a boy, and the event is never mentioned again. Also there's a great scene where the father fights a giant rubber dragon head. A lot of these inexplicable plot developments are very entertaining but at almost two hours long, the movie begins to drag a lot.

I picked up a VHS of The Ghosting because it was cheap and it does have a pretty badass cover. Thankfully there was no actual ghosting in the movie. All in all, I can't really recommend it as a good movie, but with a few beers and some friends it could be a good time.

5 1/2 out of 12 beers

 

Video Nasty #15- Don't Go Near The Park

(1979)
Director: Lawrence D. Foldes
Writers: Linwood Chase, Lawrence D. Foldes

WARNING: This review will contain spoilers. There's just no way I can talk about this movie without mentioning some of the crazy shit that happens towards the end. But honestly, if you're upset about spoilers for a movie that came out thirty-five years ago you've got bigger fish to fry.

Some films are on the video nasties list because they are gory, disturbing, and/or shocking. I'll give Don't Go Near The Park gory even though it's only sparingly so, but disturbing and shocking are not words I would use to describe it. The words confusing and disjointed however are definitely words that come to mind. Here's a fun drinking game: Try to describe the plot of Don't Go Near The Park to someone and take a shot every time they say "Wait, what?". You will die.

When I heard the title Don't Go Near The Park, my first thought was that it would be a slasher movie, but the film immediately threw me for a loop with a sprawling text introduction involving early man, cannibalistic tribes, and the quest for eternal youth. Alright. So, a cannibal film? A vampire film? Could go either way, but I'm prepared. Cut to booming synthesizer music and stills of outer space. Okay... I have no idea what I'm in for. The movie starts some 12,000 years ago where two brother and sister members of a primitive tribe are brought before the tribe leader and accused of killing and eating the tribe leader's son. She curses them to live eternally, but age ten years for every year they live unless they feed upon other people and steal their youth to make themselves young again. She then presents them with an out. In 12,000 years, when the stars line up just right, they can remove the curse by sacrificing a virgin from their lineage. Oh don't worry, it gets much more convoluted than this.

Cut to "16 Years Ago". And what have these two crazy kids been up to for the last 11,984 years? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing apparently, as the scene begins with the brother casually slaughtering a random stranger in a park and eating her internal organs when the sister approaches him and basically tells him to get his shit together and make some babies so they can remove their curse. And then we get the opening credits. That's right, everything that I just described all takes place before we even get the title of the movie.

The next 20 minutes or so involve the brother seducing, marrying, and impregnating a young lady (the lovely Miss Linnea Quigley in one of her first roles) who he then begins to ignore in favor of making sure that his daughter, Bondi, grows up well. Finally tensions in the family come to a head, the brother character leaves his family, and his daughter runs away. On what I can only assume is her first day encountering actual human beings, she agrees to be taken "anywhere" by two skeevy-looking dudes in a beat-up panel van lined with shag carpeting. If you were not quite sure where this was heading, your suspicions might be confirmed when the least sleazy-looking member of the group asks her if she wants to "take a walk on the wild side" and then knowingly guffaws. Luckily, she remains a virgin thanks to the spooky magic powers of an amulet given to her by her father which causes the van to speed up uncontrollably, careen off of a ten-foot-high bridge, and explode spectacularly. But don't worry about our heroine, she's apparently been transported at least 30 feet away at the last second by previously mentioned spooky magic powers. She also happens to be right by the park in the earlier scene which the locals tend to stay away from because they think it's cursed. The sister character now resides there along with several runaways. The next half hour of the movie pretty much consists of these runaway kids trying to figure out what's going on. Eventually, Bondi's father shows up in full caveman garb to start the sacrifice.

Then THIS happens...

This guy is SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES! There's no setup for this. The brother and sister suddenly are able to shoot lasers out of their eyes. Let that soak in for a minute.

Nothing after that got through to me. After lasers starting shooting out of eyes, the movie was over for me. The cave catches fire, the runaways are rescued, and the brother and sister supposedly die in the fire. The movie poster gives away the obligatory twist ending that the daughter is now a cannibal vampire. None of that really mattered though. Lasers... Why lasers?... Why?...

So why was this off the wall little movie placed on the video nasties list? My guess is that it was simply this cover... 

 Making an image like that your cover is a sure-fire way to sell a lot of tapes, but also a sure-fire way to get a lot of people upset. I'm not 100% sure that's the VHS version that was out when it was put on the list, but the packaging for the Direct Video version isn't much less aggressive...

Despite the fact that it left me thoroughly confused, I would say that Don't Go Near The Park could be a fun movie to watch if you're drinking or just hanging out with people who have a taste for dumb movies. Although it's competently shot, there's enough awkward dialogue and bizarre plot twists to keep one entertained. But if you're looking for a quality film, don't go near Don't Go Near The Park.

It gets 6 1/2 out of 12 beers.

Voyage Of The Rock Aliens

(1984)
Director: James Fargo
Writers: Edward Gold, S. James Guidotti, Charles Hairston

Voyage Of The Rock Aliens is something special. Not necessarily good. Not necessarily bad. Just "special". The movie begins with a cheesy-looking robot scanning video feeds from other planets, trying to find the source of "this rock and roll" that the aliens manning the ship have become obsessed with finding. Cut to a music video of Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora's hit (?) duet When The Rain Begins To Fall, which is apparently about forbidden love in the post-apocalypse. Is this the rock and roll they've been searching for? No. Apparently not, because the robot then decides to go to Earth instead because "why not?". What follows is a fever-like arrangement of scenes that could only be a product of the 80's. The main plot concerns the previously mentioned aliens (Tom Nolan and new wave band Rhema) landing in the small town of Speelburgh (get it?) and posing as a music group entering the local battle of the bands, all while gathering information on Earth. Ruling over this town with an iron fist for no apparent reason is Frankie (Craig Sheffer), who leads a rockabilly band/gang called The Pack. Frustrated by his decision to not allow her to sing ever, Frankie's girlfriend Dee Dee turns to the alien commander ABCD (pronounced Absid). We also get subplots involving the alien-obsessed and completely ineffectual sheriff (Ruth Gordon), a giant tentacled monster that lives in the nearby polluted Lake Eerie (get it?), and two escaped homicidal maniacs known as Chainsaw (Michael Berryman) and The Breather. The last of these is definitely the most entertaining of the bunch.

If you're a fan of eighties' culture, dumb movies, and/or musicals, Voyage Of The Rock Aliens is definitely worth checking out. The music is passable, the story is out there, and there are more than enough unintentionally hilarious scenes to make it an enjoyable hour and a half.

8 out of 12 beers

Video Nasty #14- The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue

(1974)
Director: Jorge Grau
Writers: Sandro Continenza, Marcello Coscia. Juan Cobos, Miguel Rubio

Take Night Of The Living Dead. Strip it down to its bare essentials. Now give it a British disposition and add elements of 70's psychedelia. Mix with an entrancing experimental soundtrack and you've got The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue (a.k.a. Let Sleeping Corpses Lie; Don't Open The Window). It obviously owes a great deal to Romero's film and many parallels can be drawn between the two, but The Living Dead stands apart as a great film on its own. It's rare that a movie can boast "One of the best zombie movies ever made!" on its packaging and actually deliver on that promise.

The movie begins with a departure of scenery from the busy city life of Manchester to the tranquil English countryside, where our main character George is planning to spend the weekend. Along the way, his motorcycle is run over by a young woman named Edna, who proposes that he borrow her car for the weekend after he drops her off at her sisters. When they stop to get directions at a nearby farm and Edna is assaulted by the walking corpse of a drowned vagrant, plans begin to unravel and our protaganists are caught up in a web of the living dead and angry policemen. While there are actually very few zombies in the film, the flesheaters on display are very intimidating and display a rudimentary intelligence that makes them even more so. The explanation for the dead's return is also pretty unique. Their nervous systems are re-activated by an experimental piece of farm equipment that emits ultrasonic radiation. Which is really no sillier than "space radiation". Subplots involving Edna's sister's heroin addiction and the police sergeant's aggressive suspiciousness of youth culture really add to the already unique and captivating film.

The film was marketed in the U.S. as Don't Open The Window, paired on a double bill with Last House On The Left and unashamedly lifting its infamous tagline "TO AVOID FAINTING Keep Repeating It's Only A Movie... Only A Movie... Only A Movie..." for its poster. It may be this association with Last House On The Left that caught the film the attention of the DPP in England and landed it on the video nasties list. While it certainly has a few gory scenes, overall the movie seems fairly tame compared to other movies of its kind. That said, while The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue is a bit of a slow-burn, once it gets going it proves itself as a very effective and intriguing zombie film and is a must-watch for any fan of that sub-genre.

I give it 11 out of 12 beers.

Alone In The T-Shirt Zone

(1986)
Director: Mike B. Anderson
Writers: Mike B. Anderson, Kathleen Beeler

Alone In The T-Shirt Zone is a strange creature. I was initially drawn to the VHS copy of this film by the cover art. If there's one thing I can't resist it's a dumb 80's sex comedy, and this certainly looked like one. But then I turned it over to read the back and saw this:

Oookay, that doesn't look like a comedy to me, that looks like a straight up horror movie. I puzzled over the VHS for a few minutes, turning the tape back and forth in my hands, trying desperately to grasp the angle this movie was going for. The slyly evasive description on the back also straddled the line between sex comedy and horror movie and was no help. My curiosity and confusion finally got the best of me and I ended up paying a little more for a VHS tape than I usually would, just so I could figure this one out. Before I left with the tape, the guy selling it warned me. "That's a weird one."

He was right.

Directed by Mike B. Anderson, who would later go on to be a major force on The Simpsons, Alone In The T-Shirt Zone blazes a weird path that not everyone will be able to follow and even fewer will enjoy. The story begins with our main character Mike, nearly catatonic, in a psychiatric institution. When his female psychiatrist locks the door and begins raping him, he drifts off and remembers the events that led him here. Pretty dark stuff, huh? Well, not so much. You see, every dark plot twist and subplot somehow comes off fairly lighthearted. Like we're supposed to be laughing except for the fact that it isn't really funny. It's probably a good bet that the character of Mike is autobiographical for the director. Mike is an under-appreciated artist stuck in a dead-end job creating sexually suggestive t-shirts who finally snaps, escapes his job and, as the description on the back of the box puts it, "it spells trouble for all concerned". It's seems that Anderson was trying to craft a dark story to vent his frustrations, but it's filled with too many surreal and jokey moments to take seriously. And then the movie just sort of ends.

If it sounds like I didn't like Alone In The T-Shirt Zone, that's not my intention. It was very well made and kept me interested the whole time. And I thoroughly enjoyed the weirdness of it all. It's less like watching a movie and more like taking a strange journey where plot twists go nowhere and the things that you see may not actually be happening. I even got obsessed halfway through the film with a t-shirt I spied in the background that made as little sense to me as the movie itself:

I don't know why that's funny, but I also need a shirt of it just so I can confuse people!

Overall, it was a pretty enjoyable little film that I'm sure I'll revisit every once in a while. I'm also pretty curious to check out Mike B. Anderson's other film, a strange sounding sci-fi comedy called Kamillions. If you're a fan of weird experimental films and t-shirts, I would recommend Alone In The T-Shirt Zone. Just be careful. It's a weird one.



8 1/2 out of 12 beers.

There's Going To Be Some Changes Around Here...

As anyone who follows this blog knows, I update it very rarely. Although I enjoy writing about movies, it does take time. Time that I don't always have. So before I watch a video nasty for this blog, I like to make sure that I'll have time to absorb it and then sit down and write about it while it's still fresh in my mind. There are actually a handful of video nasties I've already watched since starting this blog that didn't get an entry because something came up and by the time I was able to sit down and write about them I felt that I needed to watch them again before I did so. I also sometimes feel limited by the fact that whenever I do have time to view a film and write about it, it has to be one of the video nasties I've got set aside for just that occasion.

So during a rousing personal viewing of Kick Or Die and L.A. A.I.D.S. Jabber on National VCR Day, I decided that I should open myself up to a little bit more. As such, I will no longer be focusing on just video nasties. There are so many other trashy and bewildering movies out there that the world needs to know about! I haven't given up my quest to view all 72 video nasties, they will still be chronicled on this site. I just feel that both myself and anyone who reads this blog deserve to be exposed to any movies that the world of DVD and Blu-Ray and the gutters of thrift store VHS tapes have to offer.

There will also be a few other minor changes. I've already started playing around with the graphics on this page and they're not set in stone just yet. I am also in the process of starting up a Facebook and Twitter page for Bastard of Cinema. And last but not least, I am abandoning the skull scale. Having two different scales (especially with one being out of 10 and one being out of 12) seemed like a good idea at the time, but has proved to be just a little too confusing. And if I'm confused by it, I'm sure others are too. So from now on, movies will simply be graded on a scale of 1 to 12 beers. I'm excited by these changes and I hope that anyone who follows this blog is too. Look for a new entry in the next few days, along with the Bastard of Cinema Facebook and Twitter pages. Excelsior!