On The 7th Day Of Christmas... Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

(2010)
Director: Jalmari Helander
Writers: Jalmari Helander, Juuso Helander

Deep in the depths of the Korvatunturi Mountains in Finland a team of scientists is excavating a mountain that they believe is the burial mound of the original Santa Claus. Meanwhile in the village below, a group of reindeer herders are trying to make ends meet during the Christmas season. When all of their reindeer turn up slaughtered, they suspect that the research team up on the mountain has something to do with it. When they capture an old man in a trap they assume that he's affiliated with the scientists, but the son of one of the herders believes differently. He believes that the old man is the Santa Claus of legend. And he's not as friendly as we were led to believe.

Rare Exports starts off slow, but as it unfolds it becomes something very interesting and exciting. Although there's some questionable CGI in the latter half of the movie it never takes away from the story. Rare Exports brings a unique twist to the Santa mythos and is a fun time throughout. 4 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 6th Day Of Christmas... Don't Open Till Christmas

(1984)
Director: Edmund Purdom
Writers: Alan Birkinshaw, Derek Ford

When her father is killed by a mysterious Santa-hating madman, Kate begins to suspect that someone close to her could be the serial Santa-slashing psycho.

The plot of Don't Open Till Christmas is threadbare but let's be honest, you're not watching a film about someone killing people dressed up as Santa Claus for it's deep sociopolitical undertones. There are some pretty good kills in Don't Open Till Christmas, but unfortunately when it's trying to advance the plot it gets very boring. The bizarre ending seems to come out of left-field as well. Don't Open Till Christmas is not a good film, but i suppose parts of it could be fun if you're watching with friends. 2 out of 6 beers.

On The 5th Day Of Christmas... Christmas Evil

(1980)
Director: Lewis Jackson
Writer: Lewis Jackson

On Christmas Eve in 1947, young Harry witnesses Santa Claus' visit and is awestruck. Not believing that Santa Claus was actually his father as his brother claims, he sneaks back down only to find his mother being sexually groped by Santa. Traumatized by this, he runs up to the attic and cuts his hand on a broken snowglobe. Thirty-three years later, Harry suppresses his memories and has become obsessed with Christmas. Harry spies on neighborhood children from his Christmas decoration-laden apartment to determine whether or not they've been good and works at a toy factory that he has become disenfranchised with due to their sub-standard quality control. Embarrassed by a series of demeaning events and already on the edge of sanity, Harry finally loses it and begins to believe that he actually is Santa Claus. On Christmas Eve Harry begins his rounds delivering toys to good boys and girls and delivering punishment to those who have been bad.

Christmas Evil is one of the first movies anyone watching holiday themed horror movies should view. The character of Harry, a very lonely middle-aged man who has obviously never been very adept at life, provokes a lot of sympathy for viewers. Even as he slaughters the barely nefarious naughty, there's no brutality in it and one can't help but feel a little sorry for this sad broken man. As Harry slips deeper into insanity, the movie becomes more and more dreamlike and ultimately ends on an ambiguously fanciful note. Although the psychological drama may be taxing for gorehounds looking for the flick-knife thrill of a slasher flick, Christmas Evil is a necessity for anyone that's looking for a good Christmas horror film. 5 out of 6 beers.

On The 4th Day Of Christmas... Saint Nick

(2010)
Director: Dick Maas
Writer: Dick Maas

Saint Nick begins in 1492 and establishes St. Nicholas as a cruel and murderous bishop that demands offerings from from villagers on each full moon. One night on December 5th, the villagers have had enough and set fire to St. Nicholas' ship while he and his crew are aboard. Now, the treacherous Saint Nick and his crew return every time December 5th falls on a full moon to wreak murderous havoc. Goert, a survivor of Saint Nick's attack years earlier and now a police officer, teams up with Frank, a young man falsely accused of a murder St. Nicholas committed, to stop Saint Nick's reign of terror once and for all.

Saint Nick (a.k.a. Sint, or Saint) is a Dutch film that is probably better watched with subtitles. The version I watched was dubbed and provided a lot of comical poor-dubbing moments. Also, those unfamiliar with the lore of this European version of Santa Claus may find themselves a little confused. However aside from the language and cultural barriers, Saint Nick is a very engaging and beautifully shot film. Although the film suffers from a few bad CGI effects, the charred Saint Nicholas on horseback creates quite a terrifying presence. Saint Nick is definitely a film worth checking out for some good, creepy Christmas action. 4 out of 6 beers.

On The 3rd Day Of Christmas... To All A Goodnight

(1980)
Director: David Hess
Writer: Alex Rebar

A group of sorority girls are staying at the Calvin Finishing School for Christmas break and help to sneak in a group of boys to spend it with. Too bad there's a killer dressed as Santa Claus picking them off one by one.

To All A Goodnight is the sole directorial effort from Last House On The Left's David Hess, but unfortunately that's the only interesting thing about it. It's a pretty standard slasher with a predictable reveal and a last-minute twist that seems to have been added in just because someone realized how predictable the reveal was. The VHS print I watched was rather dark and it was sometimes difficult to tell what was going on (this has supposedly been corrected for the new blu-ray transfer). The dialogue is all pretty bland and the performances muddle the line between bad acting and odd character motivations. The actors try, but never really come off as charming as they're supposed to be. I really wish I could say more about To All A Goodnight, but there's not really anything else to say. If you've ever seen a slasher flick, you've pretty much seen all that To All A Goodnight has to offer. It's not terrible, it's not great, it's about as middle-of-the-road as a slasher can get. 3 out of 5 beers.

On The 2nd Day Of Christmas... Elves

(1989)
Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Writer: Jeffrey Mandel

When typical teenager Kirsten accidentally cuts her hand during a joke pagan ritual that she and her friends are having in the woods, she unknowingly awakens an elf (NOT elves as the title implies). The elf is an ancient creature which is crucial in a group of Nazis' plan to breed with her bloodline to create a perfect master race of half-human, half-elf beings. Meanwhile, Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty plays Mike McGavin, a chain-smoking mall Santa who doubles as the most courteous tough-guy detective you've ever seen. When the elf attacks Kirsten and her friends in the mall after hours, Mike is there to fend it off and helps her to unravel the conspiracy of Nazi elf hijinks that surrounds her. To be honest, all you need to know about the movie is this:

If that slack-jawed, rubber puppet running around seems like a fun time to you, then you should definitely check out Elves. Even though the creature effects are terrible, they show it a lot. And it's hilarious every time. Add to the mix some hilarious dialogue like "You've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them." and "Santa said oral." and you've got a recipe for a great bad movie. Elves is not a good movie by any means, but if you're looking to kick back with some eggnog and some friends you can't go wrong. 2 1/2 out of 6 beers.

On The 1st Day Of Christmas... Santa's Slay

(2005)
Director: David Steiman
Writer: David Steiman

The premise of Santa's Slay is that the Santa we all know and love is in actuality the antichrist who was tricked by an angel into 1000 years of servitude, turning his traditional "Day Of Slaying" into a peaceful time where he delivers presents to good boys & girls. However at the start of Santa's Slay, his 1000 years of servitude are over and he's pissed. Our main character Nicholas Yuleson, his girlfriend Mary, and his grandfather (played by Robert Culp) are the only ones that know this and so they try to escape Santa's deadly rampage until the Day Of Slaying is over.

Santa's Slay wears it's ridiculous premise with pride. It never takes itself too seriously. It has no complex plot, it has no deeper subtext. It just has a helldeer and wrestler Goldberg murdering people in different elaborate ways while dressed as Santa. Santa's Slay is a blast from start to finish and is sure to leave you with a smile on your face. And isn't that what the Christmas spirit is all about anyway? 4 out of 6 beers.