October Horror Movies Day 26

Day 26 started late with an opening night viewing of the newest Silent Hill film, Silent Hill: Revelation (2012). The first Silent Hill film was not necessarily the greatest horror film, but by video game movie standards it was damn good and effectively creepy. This sequel, many years in the making, also solidly delivers. Silent Hill: Revelation is a popcorn movie through and through. It delivers violently pseudo-psychological action and impressively creepy 3D monstrosities in between slightly wooden video-game acting. Silent Hill: Revelation is not a horror classic that will be remembered for generations to come nor is it an Oscar-worthy study of the macabre, but it is a fun flick that hits all the right notes and provides more than a few genuine thrills. 8 1/2 out of 12 beers.

Silent Hill: Revelation was the 49th horror movie I watched this month, which meant that I was just one movie away from my goal of watching 50 horror movies I had never seen before in one month. Quite an impressive feat when one has a full-time job, if I say so myself. So I figured that I needed to ring in this momentous occasion with something special, and I could think of no more worthy film than the latest Puppet Master film, Puppet Master X: Axis Rising (2012).

Before I talk about this film, let me begin by proclaiming my immense love for the Puppet Master films. I don't remember when or where I was when I saw my first Puppet Master movie, but they were absolutely a formative part of my early teenage years and have held a special place in my heart ever since. Being a staple of USA Network and early Sci-Fi Channel, I must've seen the first two films at least a couple of dozen times before I even turned eighteen and every time I did, some part of me deep down would tingle with excitement. The image of Blade jumping off the bed and running towards the camera from the first movie is forever burned into my brain. The third film which is set in World War II deals with some pretty heavy issues, and even when the films moved into lighter territory (some would even say cheesy) with parts four and five, they were still fantastic fun that could never disappoint a 14-year old boy with a growing obsession for horror films. Unfortunately when Full Moon Studios split with Paramount Studios after the fifth film, they no longer had the budget or talent handy to produce the stop-motion effects which made the first five films so enthralling to me. Curse Of The Puppet Master, the sixth installment, tried but ultimately could not capture the spirit of the earlier films. Retro Puppet Master and Puppet Master: The Legacy (installments seven and eight respectively) were instantly forgettable, with Retro discarding the puppets we knew and loved for new ones and Legacy being comprised mainly of stock footage from the first seven films. The Sci-Fi Channel produced a crossover with another well-known Full Moon franchise in Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, resulting in a laughably bad Corey Feldman vehicle. And then word came down that Full Moon would be reviving the Puppet Master franchise with a new series of sequels set in World War II, after the events of part three. Hope was once again alive. The ninth installment (as Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys is not considered canon, and is generally ignored by everyone except the mentally unbalanced), Puppet Master: Axis Of Evil was at the very least a step in the right direction. Obviously, Full Moon no longer has the budget they once did, but they at least tried to make a marginally entertaining story with plenty of puppet action.

All of this brings me to the latest installment, Puppet Master X: Axis Rising. I wanted to love this movie, I really did. While Axis Rising is certainly better than Axis Of Evil and is another bold step in the right direction, it can't hold a candle to even the first five Puppet Master films. Though the effects do leave much to be desired, Axis Rising provides us with lots of puppet action by introducing four new puppets fighting on the Axis side; Bombshell- a busty Axis temptress with machine-gun boobs, Weremacht- a Nazi werewolf, Blitzkrieg- a tank, and Kamikaze- a puppet so hilariously racist it deserves it's own action figure.

Seriously.

 

Like I said before, Puppet Master X: Axis Rising is a step in the right direction, but it's still a long way away from the Puppet Master films of my youth. Not only do the puppets look a bit sub-par, but the acting is pretty atrocious. I don't expect award-worthy performances from Full Moon, but I do expect better than this. I plan on fully supporting this new series of films by adding Axis Rising to my DVD collection, but I expect Full Moon to step up their game a little more next time. I challenge them to invest the time and resources that they need to in order to make another great Puppet Master film. And maybe, just maybe, I can one day view a new Puppet Master movie that I'm not ashamed to enjoy, a film where I can stand up and proclaim "I love this movie! This movie is great and anyone who doesn't like it can go to hell!". I give Puppet Master X: Axis Rising 9 out of 12 beers, and I hope to give the next installment an even higher rating.

 

 

October Horror Movies Day 24

Again, I only had time for one movie on day 24, so I made it a film I'd been wanting to see for a while- The Last Horror Film (1982). Last Horror Film is a better than average slasher flick. Joe Spinell (Maniac) plays an obsessed fan of an upcoming horror movie starlet who travels to the Cannes film festival to convince her to be in the movie he's written. With the line between fantasy and reality becoming increasingly blurred for him, he gorily disposes of anyone that gets in his way. Apparently Joe Spinell's real mother played his mom in the film, and she's the most hilarious part of this movie. The Last Horror Film walks a fine line between horror and comedy without sacrificing either. If you're a fan of slasher films, this is definitely a must. 8 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 23

I only had time to watch one movie on day 23, so I put on Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986). Unfortunately, It's nothing special. You can pretty much guess the plot from the cover. An old woman that owns a remote motel (really, more like a series of cabins) loses her mind and begins picking off the guests. The idea of her having an underground tunnel that linked up to all of the cabins was pretty neat, but this was more or less your typical slasher. Not bad, but not memorable either. 5 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 22

Day 22 was another big movie day, and thanks to it I am now only four movies away from my goal of fifty movies this month. The day began with a viewing of Guillermo del Toro's The Devil's Backbone (2001). This is a very tense ghost story set during the Spanish Civil War. The movie just oozes atmosphere and fills you with an inescapable feeling of dread. I always enjoy Guillermo del Toro's work and like many others, I was extremely disappointed when he recently cancelled his plans to bring H.P. Lovecraft's At The Mountains Of Madness to the big screen. I have heard rumors that he's expressed interest in making a Swamp Thing film and, being a giant Swamp Thing fanboy, it boggles my mind to imagine what a cool movie that would be. I'm really glad I had a chance to finally check out The Devil's Backbone though, and I give it 10 out of 12 beers.

"God and Satan are on a train full of break dancing teenagers..."
That's all the description I needed to read before deciding to purchase this DVD. Featured on the same 4-movie pack as Knight Chills, Night Train To Terror (1985) is apparently something of a cult classic, though I'd never heard of it. It's certainly worthy of cult movie status. Night Train To Terror is an anthology horror film that is actually spliced together from three other unfinished films; Scream Your Head Off, Death Wish Club, and Cataclysm. Scream Your Head Off and Cataclysm both feature a young Richard Moll (Bull from Night Court and Big Ben from House). There are also plenty of stop-motion special effects which are always awesome to see in a movie. Between these poorly edited together stories, we're treated to God and the Devil arguing over who gets their souls while some extremely 80's young people sing the same song over and over again. The third story seems to drag on a bit but there's no doubt about it, Night Train To Terror is a lot of fun and should definitely be watched if you're a fan of movies that are so bad they're good. 9 out of 12 beers.

Because it was the only Stephen King movie I could think of that I haven't seen, I sat down to watch Sometimes They Come Back (1991). For a TV movie, it really wasn't bad. It deals with a school teacher who comes back to his home town for a teaching job, but instead is forced to confront his past which is literally coming back to haunt him. It's pretty typical Stephen King fare with greaser bullies, but it pulls it off. 8 1/2 out of 12 beers.

Next up was The Devil Rides Out (1968). This is a very enjoyable Hammer film starring Christopher Lee.  Also known as The Devil's Bride, it has Christopher Lee and his companions defending themselves against a group of satanists. The effects are dated, but it kept me very entertained. 8 out of 12 beers.

Finally at the end of the night, I enjoyed some German beer and sat down in front of some fine German cinema. Violent Shit (1989) is exactly what it claims to be. One of Germany's infamous shot-on-video gore films, Violent Shit is filled with completely unconvincing but unnervingly extended scenes of blood and guts. Violent Shit is bad, but you shouldn't really be expecting Masterpiece Theater when your main character is known as K The Butcher Shitter. Violent Shit doesn't have much of a plot, and what little it does have doesn't make much sense anyway. However if you just want to watch a lot of gore, this film is for you. It was a decent way to round out the night. 6 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 21

I decided to start the day off a little differently with some animation. Dracula: Sovereign Of The Damned (1980) is a Japanese produced animation based off of Marvel Comics' Tomb Of Dracula series. Even though I am admittedly a Marvel nerd, I've never really read too much of their Dracula series. So I honestly couldn't tell you how true to the comics this is, but it is certainly chock full of absurd moments that could only happen in anime or comic books.

I will now try to explain the plot as simply as I can. It starts out with a Boston area Satanic cult performing a ritual to summon Lucifer and offer him a bride. Instead of Lucifer, Dracula shows up and steals the woman away for his own. Before he is able to turn the woman into a vampire, a strange feeling overtakes him. As he raises his fists to the sky and awkwardly shouts "What Is This Feeeeeeeliiiiiing?!?!?", we realize that of course he has fallen in love with the woman. Meanwhile, a descendant of Van Helsing, his assistant, and a dog track down the last living relative of Dracula, who has escaped the curse and also knows kung-fu. After a little persuading, he joins them in their quest to track down and put an end to Dracula's cruel reign. A year later, Dracula and his true love now have an infant son and are blissfully smitten. The team of vampire hunters still have not found Dracula but, as Van Helsing's descendant explains, their dog has been doing his job by "showing us all of the places Dracula is not" and now he can lead them right to him. Yeah. Good work, Cujo. Conveniently, the vampire hunters finally pinpoint Dracula at the same time that he is led into a trap by Lucifer himself. During the confrontation, one of the devil worshipers threatens Dracula with a gun containing silver bullets. Cleverly, Dracula decides to dodge the bullet while his wife and son are standing behind him. With his son now dead, Dracula gets pissed and goes into hiding. One day while she is mourning by her son's grave and the vampire hunters are hiding in the bushes being creepy, Dracula's true love (Delores, by the way) is witness to a miracle. Her infant son rises from his grave, is touched by holy light, and transforms into a full grown man in a spandex costume. Because he is sent by God, he must inevitably do battle with his father, the prince of all vampires.

Dracula: Sovereign Of The Damned was awesome in the way only a terribly dubbed anime from the 80's can be. Though the plot is convoluted and cheesy, the animation is awful, and the voice acting is Saturday morning cartoon quality (or worse), I can't deny that I enjoyed the hell out of this. It was a great way to start the day! 9 out of 12 beers.

Keeping in the Dracula spirit, I decided to follow this up with Dracula: The Dirty Old Man (1969). This movie could very well have ruined my day. Apparently something happened to the sound for the movie, because the entire film is overdubbed. Often with men doing the female voices as well. The loose plot concerns Dracula, who lives in a cave, recruiting a werewolf (Irving Jeckyllman) to kidnap beautiful young girls for him. And that's about all that happens. Dracula's voice (and the werewolf's voice, and the voice of most of the women actually) is that of an extremely Jewish man, cracking cheesy jokes the entire time. It's so dumb it's actually really amusing. I almost became uncomfortable when the werewolf began performing necrophilia, but then I remembered how stupid this movie was. After about ten to twenty minutes however, the novelty of this movie begins to wear thin and it becomes a bit painful to sit through. 4 out of 12 beers.

Finally, I finished the day with The Clown Murders (1976). I find it hard to believe that this was the movie's original title. With a title like that and the lurid cover, you would expect to be watching a slasher film when you pop it in. The Clown Murders is not so much a slasher, but a slow-burn thriller. It focuses on a group of old friends who share a common disdain for a wealthy businessman. They hatch a scheme to dress as clowns during a Halloween party and kidnap his wife (who also happens to be an old flame of one of the men), preventing him from closing a lucrative business deal. However, things take a serious turn when the police become involved and the movie focuses on how the characters unravel as tensions begin to rise. Although it wasn't really what I was expecting, The Clown Murders was actually a very good movie and is notable for featuring a very young pre-fame John Candy. 7 1/2 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 20

After watching Knight Chills which was awful in the best way possible, I came to the conclusion that Dungeons & Dragons and dumb horror movies go together like peanut butter and jelly. Having previously seen the Tom Hanks starring Mazes & Monsters (which I highly recommend if you haven't seen it), the only other one I could find was Skullduggery (1983).


skullduggery skul·dug·ger·y  
n. pl. skull·dug·ger·ies or skul·dug·ger·ries
Crafty deception or trickery or an instance of it.

 

Skullduggery lives up to the definition of the word. It deceives us into wasting 95 minutes of our life. Skullduggery is a muddled mess involving Adam, a gamer who is the descendant of a king whose family line was cursed. There's also some other crap involving the devil, a puzzle, some vague Adam & Eve reference, and a Punch doll. The movie is so full of jokes that fall flat and subplots that go nowhere that I was never quite sure what was going on. Also, the irritating opening theme, which reminded me of something out of The Phantom Tollbooth, will most likely bury itself deep within the recesses of my mind only to emerge at the most inconvenient times.

Skullduggery is fine if you enjoy watching train wrecks, but if you want to watch a movie you should probably go somewhere else. 2 out of 12 beers.

 

I really enjoyed 28 Days Later when it first came out, and still do. But by the time 28 Weeks Later (2007) came out, I had grown a bit tired of the fast zombie/infected movies that followed in the original's wake. So I sat out on 28 Days Later. Now, having finally seen it, I have to say it's quite good. Not nearly as good as the first in my opinion, but still really enjoyable. 8 out of 12 beers.

Video Nasty #9- Anthropophagous: The Beast

(1980)
Director: Joe D'Amato
Writers: Joe D'Amato & George Eastman

It's easy to see why Anthropophagous landed on the video nasty list. Just look at that poster. Add to that a scene where our cannibalistic villain strangles a pregnant woman while ripping out of her womb a fetus that he then proceeds to eat. The fetus was of course not an actual fetus, but a skinned rabbit. However this didn't stop someone on the board of censors from jumping to the outrageous conclusion that the director actually ripped a fetus out of a pregnant woman and labeling it a snuff film.

Anthropophagous is grade-A Italian trash. The movie begins with a scene featuring some German tourists that thoroughly confused me, as I thought that the subtitle or audio options on my DVD were not working correctly. After watching the scene at least half a dozen times, I finally realized that there were no subtitles for this scene and that what these people were saying was probably not important anyway.

This dog was just as confused as I was.

After the German tourists are killed off, we follow a group of young people who are visiting some friends who live on a small Greek island. When they arrive, the entire island is deserted. While exploring the island, they see an ominous figure in a window, a corpse, and "Go Away" written on a windowpane. But they don't go away. These people are obviously gigantic morons and deserve to die. And die they do. The killer, or perhaps anthropophagus, that does them in is a Greek man who ate his wife and child while stranded at sea. Obviously he was very hungry because when he got back to shore, he ate the entire island. How a single non-superhuman man can eat an entire island is beyond me. Perhaps they were all just as incredibly stupid as our main characters.

Anthropophagous (A.K.A. The Beast, A.K.A. The Grim Reaper, A.K.A. The Zombie's Rage) is an awful movie, but it is fun in a sleazy Italian way. Not surprising, considering it was made by Italian-sleaze royalty Joe D'Amato. Apparently there was also a sequel of sorts, Absurd, which I believe is also on the video nasties list. I look forward to it, even though I've heard awful things.

Enjoyablity: 6 1/2 out of 12 beers

Quality: 4 1/2 out of 10 skulls

October Horror Movies Day 19

Demonwarp (1988) is an odd creature indeed. It starts off fairly simply as a typical Bigfoot-type creature terrorizes people in the woods movie, but as our opening scene featuring a mentally unbalanced preacher who believes a meteor is the second coming of the lord indicates, things are to get much stranger. Demonwarp seems to throw everything but the kitchen sink at us; Bigfoot, zombies, aliens, human sacrifice, and of course gratuitous nudity. Even with all of these awesome ingredients however, Demonwarp just sort of falls flat. It's not a bad movie and could definitely be a lot of fun with a few beers and some friends. I may have to revisit it and test out this theory. As for now though, Demonwarp gets 7 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 18

Attention bad movie lovers: Terror has a new king, and it's name is The Werewolf Of Woodstock (1975). This film was originally part of ABC's "The Wide World Of Entertainment", a weekly shot-on-video time slot that would feature movies, specials, etc. The plot begins in the days following the Woodstock festival when an unsuccessful jam band hatches a scheme to sell more records by going to the aftermath of the festival to record, just so they can slap "recorded live at Woodstock" on the cover. Meanwhile, a hippie-hating Woodstock resident, Bert, goes on a rampage at the festival's site, ranting about freaks and destroying a stage scaffolding that is miraculously still there. The scaffolding gets struck by lightning while Bert is on it, transforming him into (are you ready for this?)... A Werewolf! I've seen episodes of Scooby-Doo that are more realistic than this movie. Basically, a guy in a cheap Halloween werewolf mask runs around for over 60 minutes terrorizing hippies, killing dogs, and jacking dune buggys. It's dumb. Real dumb. But if you love terrible movies as much as I do, it just may be worth seeking out. 6 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 17

If all you've seen were the trailers, you couldn't really be blamed for believing that Dark Shadows (2012) is just another kooky Tim Burton movie. Though it was sold to us as a goofy comedy, Dark Shadows is actually a rather darkly gothic horror film. That's not to say that it doesn't have moments of comedy in it, but they don't overpower it and don't take away from the story of the cursed vampire Barnabas Collins trying to restore the honor of the family name. Dark Shadows is a very good mish-mash of horror, soap-opera, and comedy that makes me actually want to check out the old TV series it's based on, as it's obvious from the film that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have a great amount of love and respect for the source material. 9 1/2 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 16

Day 16's only viewing was Monster Brawl (2011). Monster Brawl works well enough for what it is, basically the age old question of who would beat who. Laid out like a pay-per-view wrestling event, it pits a cyclops against a witch, a mummy against a vampire, Frankenstein against a werewolf, and more. The announcer commentary by Dave Foley and Art Hindle, and narration and Mortal Kombat-esque exclamations by Lance Henricksen add an air of excitement to the brawl matches which could otherwise become dull. Unfortunately, Monster Brawl ends on a very anti-climactic note. If this were a real pay-per-view event it would be okay to leave the audience wanting more, but not to stop right in the middle of an event ,which Monster Brawl does. Monster Brawl was entertaining enough for one viewing, but I can't really see myself returning to it again. 6 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 15

"What happened to day 14?" you might ask. Well, between a Walking Dead season 2 marathon and a trip up to Jason's Woods (a local horror attraction), there just wasn't time for a movie. I more than made up for it on day 15 however...

Knight Chills (2001) was on one of those Brentwood 4-Movie Packs, so I pretty much expected complete and total crap. And oh how right I was. About the only credit I can give Knight Chills is that it has an interesting concept. Basically, a lonely nerd commits suicide then returns from the grave as a black knight to kill his former Dungeons & Dragons players. Sure, it's a really dumb idea, but at least it's an idea that sets itself apart from your typical slasher. Aside from that however, Knight Chills is a terribly inept movie. I personally found it awesomely inept. And then the ending came, and I lost my shit. The last thirty seconds of this movie is probably one of the most unintentionally hilarious endings to a movie that I've ever seen in my life! If you want a good horror movie, stay far far away from Knight Chills. But if you want to enjoy a disastrously poor attempt at a horror movie, this is the movie for you! 9 (That's right, 9!) out of 12 beers.

Then, because apparently Knight Chills wasn't bad enough for me, I went with Godmonster Of Indian Flats (1973). This movie is pretty much a complete mess. The plot was a bit too boring for me to pay much attention to and the movie seems to be making some sort of vague political or environmental statement that I don't quite get, but once the giant mutated sheep shows up, it's suddenly worth sitting through. That's right, the Godmonster Of Indian Flats is a giant mutated sheep that emits a toxic gas. As awesomely stupid as that sounds, I still can't really recommend this movie. Just look up clips from it on youtube and save yourself some time. 3 out of 12 beers.

I absolutely loved Ti West's film The House Of The Devil, but after his horrendous Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever and his underwhelming segment in V/H/S, I was beginning to think that maybe House Of The Devil was just a fluke. With The Innkeepers (2011), my belief that Ti West is a director to keep your eye on is re-ignited. The Innkeepers is a slow-burn ghost story that takes place in a supposedly haunted hotel that's about to close down due to slow business. Two slacker employees make up the entire hotel staff and decide that this is the weekend that they're going to get proof that the hotel is haunted. Hijinks ensue. The Innkeepers is very deliberately paced and doesn't really have much payoff, but Ti West makes it work by giving us truly likable characters and a spooky atmosphere that balances well with the comedic moments of the film. I know that this movie was sort of hit or miss with audiences, but it hit with me. 10 out of 12 beers.

After a viewing of the video nasty Anthropophagus (Which I can hopefully write up sometime today or tomorrow), I ended the night with Creepshow III (2006). This film gets a lot of hate, and I suppose that it deserves some of it. The opening animation is so horrendous that it actually caused me physical pain to look at it. The special effects are uneven. The practical effects are passable, but when they try to do digital effects they fail miserably to be anything more than cartoonish. But I think the biggest reason this film gets so much hate is that it has the audacity to call itself Creepshow III. Creepshow and Creepshow II are classics, and if anyone from those films were involved in this movie it might make sense to call it Creepshow III. If this film had called itself anything else, I'm certain that it would not have been received as poorly. The segments are silly and often make no sense, but are surprisingly entertaining. I would recommend this movie, but only if you go in expecting nothing more than a cheap anthology horror film. 7 out of 12 beers.

October Horror Movies Day 13

I decided to start day 13 off classy with some foreign fare. Tutti Defunti... Tranne I Morti (1977) (roughly translated to All Deceased... But The Dead) is a movie I've been wanting to check out for a while now. Being a fan of giallo, an italian genre which many see as a predecessor to the slasher films of the 70's and 80's, when I heard that there was a giallo with elements of slapstick comedy I knew I had to check it out. Tutti Defunti works very well as both a giallo and a comedy. Not only did it provide a thrilling whodunit story but it also provided some genuine laugh-out-loud moments. I would definitely recommend this one if you can find it, I believe it's quite hard to find with English subtitles. 9 1/2 out of 12 beers.

After all that classiness, I needed a Troma movie for desert. I picked up Chillers (1987) because the cover looked cool. And, as is usually the case with horror movies like this, the cover was way cooler than anything the movie had to offer. Chillers is a horror anthology film where five strangers at a bus depot trade stories of their most frightening nightmares while they wait for their bus. Like a lot of anthology films the stories are sort of hit or miss, but at least don't overstay their welcome. All in all it was a good waste of time, but probably not a movie I'll be revisiting very often. 5 1/2 out of 12 beers.